Eureka: A Scientific Exploration of Love
by goradioassemble
Summary: Leah and Feric meet and fall in love but their happiness is threatened by an ewok.


Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess named Leah. Her luscious brown fur was the best in the entire kingdom, and she had an incredible stash of acorns. Leah spent her days frolicking in the shade of the oak trees and showing off her long, bushy tail. To the casual passerby, Princess Leah seemed to lead a magnificent life. But she was very lonely—Leah never had any friends. All of the other squirrels in the kingdom were only her subjects, and she intimidated them. One day, Leah looked about her spectacular kingdom, and realized she needed to leave her realm in order and search for true happiness. So Leah scampered up her tree and gathered her most prized possessions: some acorns, five dollars, and an Easy Bake Oven. She turned her back to her tree-trunk palace and checked around her for witnesses; finding no one, she set off on her uncertain journey.

After many days of intense, subconscious longing for a semi-bearded-nerd-princess, and being relentlessly hit on by strange squirrels and one flabby goat, Leah stumbled upon a stone tower wrapped in twisting ivy. She saw a figure emerge and lean slightly out of the highest tower window. He put on his glasses, arranged a few stray, unruly beard hairs, and disappeared from the window. Leah quickly retreated to a nearby shrub and continued staring in awe. The bearded princess cam out of the tower door and walked over to his garden with perfect, straight leg marching technique. Aggressively halting his feet, he stooped over the flowerbeds and began weeding and quoting John Green. Leah was frozen by her sheer amazement. Without turning towards her, the being spoke. "Come my darling, my name is Feric and I know the trials of your long and hard journey. Fear not my sweet, for you are home." Leah stepped out of the bush, walking as if in a trance. Feric scooped her up and carried her to his bedroom. "Destiny hath brought us together, so now that we are united, let us eat pizza!" cried Feric, pulling out a pizza box from his Easy Bake Oven, where it had been heating. Leah squeaked excitedly and pulled out her Easy Bake Oven. Feric's eyes widened in surprise and he be began squealing. "Fair princess," said Feric, once his squeals of delight had subsided, "many moons ago I journeyed to the Cave of Wonders to speak to the Oracle of Squirrels. She told me that you would find me, but I never dreamed of the perfect match of out souls! Your Easy Bake Oven is true proof of out profound connection." Leah's heart immediately swelled, and she tried to articulate her mutual feelings to Feric by squeaking and chittering excitedly. Princess Feric picked her up and carried her downstairs where they proceeded to have a whipped cram fight and then head out to the courtyard to play Frisbee. Collapsing onto the grass, exhausted from the efforts of their exciting day, Feric smiled as Leah brushed a leaf out of his hair with her tail. After a few moments of looking at the clouds a listening to each other's tired, heavy breathing, Feric stood up and asked Leah to follow him. She obliged and he led her behind the tower. Surrounded by Queen Anne's lace and other wildflowers was a spectacular hammock. Leah raced past Feric and leapt onto the hammock. She couldn't keep her balance, and after flailing around for close to twenty minutes while Feric watched and giggled good-naturedly, Leah gave up and said "lol, how do I hammock?" "I will show you, my love," said Feric. He climbed onto the hammock and they spooned until nightfall.

Leah and Feric spent several carefree weeks together, each day better than the last. Until one day, Leah was organizer her acorns while Feric weeded the garden when a seemingly friendly ewok wandered out of the forest. "Never in my life have I seen such a creature!" cried Feric, his scientific curiosity momentarily overtaking him. Then Feric looked down to discover that he had a raging boner. "Eureka!" he cried. The ewok ran up, kissed Feric's somewhat bearded cheek, and ran off into the forest. Stunned, Feric put his hand to the spot the ewok's lips had touched, and stumbled into the trees after him. Hearing some commotion, Leah abandoned her acorns and wandered over to where Feric ad been. She saw no one, just a clumsy path through the brush. The power of her love overcame her panic, and in a moment of adrenaline, she could smell Feric's trail through the sweet woodland air. Taking a moment to gather her Easy Bake Oven and her courage, she raced off into the forest after her one true love.

She ran through countless trees and over innumerable streams until she found Feric—and a small ewok she had never seen before—sitting together in a sunlit clearing. "Have you kidnapped my love?" asked Leah boldly, "for all the acorns in the world will not keep me from reaching him." "Young princess," replied the ewok, "I have come to take him to a better place—a newer, dub-steppier, more acid filled place. A place where the music is loud and the stoners are plenty. A place where the sky is black and the forest is electric." The passion of his words was enough for Leah to momentarily forget her mission. She was lost in the acid and hookah filled visions the small hairy being had planted in her mind. Something snapped her out of the dream-like state, and she discovered the ewok much closer to her than before, and unabashedly staring at her impressive tail. Enraged, Leah shouted, "you are but a demon, sent from the forest moon of Endor to destroy me heart and my home!" The ewok raced back to Princess Feric—who was paralyzed by fear and immense sexual confusion. "You know not of what you speak, little squirrel, leach us or I will be forced to eradicate you," said the ewok, "for my name is Bearik and I am the destroyer of souls!" "Let us duel for the heart of Princess Feric, if you are so sure you will be victorious," said Leah, "choose your weapon!" "I choose...Trey's dick!" screeched Bearik. Just then, a plane flew overhead. It appeared to be rapidly losing altitude, and the crew was tossing cargo off the plane in an attempt to lighten the load and regain altitude. A barrel of toxic waste came flying down, breaking open on a branch, and landed on Leah. "NO!" cried Princess Feric, awakened from his precious sexual confusion, before passing out from shock and exhaustion. Leah's skin was burning, but hearing Feric's cry renewed her strength and determination. Using all her might, Leah lifted the barrel off of her, making a loud, low, "FOOMP" noise. She was dripping toxic waste and felt as if she had to poop. Not knowing what else to do, and seeing Bearik frozen with shock, Leah began trying to poop. Within seconds, she knew this was no ordinary bowel movement. Her tail began to tingle, and as she gazed at it in awe, her once beautiful, brown tail began transforming into a light saber. "I choose light saber tail as my weapon!" she said confidently, once she had completed her transformation.

Bearik lunged at her, brandishing his weapon, but Leah deftly swatted him away with her newfound booty power. While she was admiring herself, Bearik struck, knocking her to the ground. She clawed at him with her paws, but struggle to flip herself over to wield her weapon against him. Just as Bearik was about to deliver the final blow, thus stealing her precious Feric away from her for eternity, a sonic blast shook the forest floor. Bearik was send tumbling off her, and they bother looked around in confusion. Feric, momentarily regaining consciousness, said, "could it be—the tremendous sneezes of the mythical forest giant, Katie? I thought them to be only legends!" he said before mumbling a bit more and passing out again. Having regained their senses, Leah and Bearik were back at each other's throats. Their battle was immense, shaking the leaves on all of the mighty oak trees, but neither could gain an advantage over the other. Exhausted, but each unwilling to desist, they were on top of each other again when a mysteriously handsome yet awkward duck waddled up, and lifted them apart with ease. "Forest friends," said the duck," my name is Brandon Rodie, but you may call me B. Rodie for short. Let us not fight, for Princesses Leah and Feric have already found their destinies together." HE flapped his majestic wings once, awakening Feric from his unconscious slumber and returning him to Princess Leah's side. Bearik looked utterly heart broken. "Ahh, young Bearik! Fear not, for a new pursuit will soon begin," he said. As soon as he had finished speaking, a woodland nymph appeared across the clearing. As she approached, Bearik could see she was wearing a black tutu and an Iron Man shirt. She was beat boxing on a flute but paused, introducing herself as Kiera, and then danced away while still bear boxing. Bearik did not say a word, but waited a safe distance before following after her. Leah took this chance to take Feric's hand and lead him home, leaving just B. Rodie alone in the clearing. "Well," he said, "it looks like my work here is done." He checked his watch and said, "just in time to get home to my mermaid wife," and waddled off into the sunset.


End file.
